btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
