If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
i think i have two assholes
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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