he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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