Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
