I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
