There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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