Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
