There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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