If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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