theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Randomize
