Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
