Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
ok first of all what the fuck
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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