Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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