Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
dude. I can hear the air.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
