**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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