I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
