8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
