i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
