I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Sext me about skeletons
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
