If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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