dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
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