I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
