dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
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