I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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