90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
