so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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