some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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