He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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