Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
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