duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
