I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
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