I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Randomize
