Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Randomize
