Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
