when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
where am i from again
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
