I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
