Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Banned from zoo.
Again?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
