So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
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