I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Randomize
