Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
