Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
