Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
