So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
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