I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Randomize
