Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
