I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
