She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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