I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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