Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
