sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
