I'm gonna have a badass scar
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
