I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
