get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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