i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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