I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
