Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
