before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Randomize
