i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
