Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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